Saturday, April 09, 2005

......too much.

no. it's not anger.
it's depression.

and the fact that i'm too tired of everything
to be able to go on.

i try to do my best...
but it's always not enough.

all i want is to see them happy
but do they know that? no.

no one appreciates anything.
anything that i do for them.

i know i'm a huge failure.
yes, mish... boring one.

i think the mask is wearing off.
i think i finally got tired of pretending that everything's alright,
and that i'm happy.

lies.

how would i be happy?

bu zhi dao.

tears just started to fall.
i couldn't control it.
i couldn't do anything at all.

i'm an unhappy person deep inside.

i should've known.

masks get ruined too.
they would never last long.

*

no one knows.
and no one would ever, ever understand.

they'd say they cared.
that they understand what i'm going through.
they don't.

they wouldn't.

unloved.
is that exaggerating?
too much?

but it is true.
i'm not blind,
i'm not cold hearted.
if i am loved i'd feel it.

if i'm unloved i would feel that too.

*

i hate myself.

*

i hate my life...
i'm not valuable to anyone at all.

self pity.
fine.

but that is how i feel.

i have so many reasons to feel that way.

i have all the imperfections this world could offer.

i have all the problems,
all the miseries,
all the depressions.

*

when they needed someone i've always been there.

but when it comes to me, no one.

no one notices,
no one cares.

i'm only visible when they need something.

but if i'm the one who's in need,
no one would ever dare to help,
or ask i was okay.

thats mish for you.

i'm no one.
i'm not important enough to be valued,
to be cared for.

i'd rather die.
than to live this way.

i really, really can't stand it anymore.
there are too much emotions...
locked up for so long..
trying to break out.

too much sadness.
too much loneliness.

can't bear it anymore.
i can't.

Mish wrote at 8:45 PM