Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Someone.

Someone. Anyone. Beat the hell out me. Make me forget.

Self-pity. Isn't that just the most horrible thing?

But no matter how hard I try to avoid that feeling, that emotion... I can't. I couldn't. I would never be able to.

Ask me whats wrong. And there's only this line that I'll be able to tell you.

Everything is wrong.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just someone who needs all the reassurance. Who needs the comfort. Because I never felt that. Growing up... It was just me... My dolls. My toys. Just me and my yaya. I have siblings. But age would be the problem. They wouldn't understand. And I cannot trouble them with my pains. I can't.

Parents. I have parents. But never the comforting ones. When you cry, they hurt you even more. When you're at your lowest, they put you down more. Love? Does that exist?

I never learned to love myself.

All I had learned was to pretend. To pretend that love existed. To smile and make them believe that we are one happy family.

I've written this before.

LIES. ALL LIES.

Someone. Anyone. Beat the hell out me. Make me forget.

That's what I need. I'm in a bad emo state. I'm in my personal hell. If I was brave enough, if only I could stand more pain.

Another.

What will I do now? My bestfriend's moving. Out of Manila.

And I'll have no one again. I'll only have myself. My ruddy old self. I'll be alone again. Jaqui and I are different. We're so different that we are so connected to each other. At least that's how I feel about it. She's like the sister I wish I had. I have sisters. But still. Jaqui's different. She's the only one who knows. Who can somehow control me. And now she's moving.

And I don't have anyone anymore. And I'd be jealous again. I'll cry all the time again. I'll be lonely again.

What am I suppose to do?

Ni shuo wo.

Someone. Anyone. Beat the hell out me. Make me forget.

Mish wrote at 10:09 AM